My Hopes, My Dreams, My Demons, My Loves – My Life
by JadeHeart
Summary: Tohma reflects.


**Author:** JadeHeart  
**Fandom:** Gravitation  
**Warnings:** implied drug use , sexual assault and death  
**Author's Notes:** Just a little thought.

Summary: Tohma reflects.

**Disclaimer: **I do not own any of the characters in this, they belong to the creators of 'Gravitation'.

My Hopes, My Dreams, My Demons, My Loves – My Life

It was late by the time he arrived home, nearly dawn. He quietly entered, hanging coat and hat in the hall closet and gratefully slipping out of his shoes. Silently he walked to the lounge, opening up the mother-of-pearl inlaid cabinet and drawing out a bottle of scotch, pouring a shot and topping it with some soda water, before sipping it gratefully. He wandered through the dark and silent house, not needing to turn on any lights. He had spent too many years wandering these halls and rooms in the dark to need any illumination.

He silently opened the door of his destination, gliding quietly inside, moving closer to the bed. He gazed at the slumbering form there, the golden hair tousled on the pillows, eyes closed.

He took another sip of his drink, feeling himself beginning to relax in his sanctuary. His home was that to him; it was his sanctuary, completely separate from the cut-throat business world he thrived in. That was why he often worked so late. It was to ensure that everything that needed to be done was done at work. He refused to bring anything home with him and sully this haven. If that meant extra hours and lost sleep so be it. He would keep this place pristine from the muck that could stick to his business dealings and his own person.

He continued to just gaze at that sleeping figure, the face looking so peaceful and calm, untouched by anything cruel, or heartless, or sordid. So innocent and pure - unlike him and his life.

He had certainly led an eventful life you could say. It hadn't been easy, despite what people seemed to think of Tohma Seguchi. Yes, he was powerful, rich and influential – now. They forgot he had to have come from somewhere before this. Not that they seemed to care about that – and he was just as grateful that they rarely tried to dig into his past.

He really didn't care what people thought of him. There were only a few people whose opinion mattered; Mika, Eiri, Ryuichi, and Noriko were those people. Tatsuha he didn't bother including. In his mind, Tatsuha was nothing more than a twisted, perverted baby brother, something to be tolerated as best you could - and chained up the rest of the time. When he had matured (gods, only knows when that would be!) perhaps his opinion would have more weight. However, at present, it didn't, so Tohma's entire world revolved around those four people who were the most important to him.

He took another sip of his drink, reaching out and slowly drawing the blanket a little higher over the shoulders against the slight chill in the air, being careful to not disturb the sleeper. A sleepy murmur greeted his actions and he withdrew his touch quickly before it could fully wake the quiescent form.

Yes, he had come a long way from those early days of struggle, of trying to prove himself. Really Mika had been the first person to truly believe in him, apart form Ryuichi and Noriko. If the latter two hadn't then they wouldn't have joined him to form 'Nittle Grasper'.

Between the three of them they had covered all the bases for the establishment of an up and coming pop band. Ryuihcih had the stage presence and outstanding vocals, Noriko had the easy going openness that quickly won people over, whilst he…he had an uncanny business sense that seemed instinctive even back then when he was a novice. They had still had to learn by trial and error and accept the knocks and kicks in the teeth, but between their undoubted musical talent and ability, and their additional aptitude to navigate the minefield of the corporate international music industry almost unscathed, they had risen to the top.

And still remained at the top – as 'Nittle Grasper', and in their own rights; he as President of NG Productions; Ryuichi in America as a solo singer and actor; Noriko as a supportive mother and wife. He didn't consider her accomplishments any less than his and Ryu's, despite his constant confusion as to her taste in men.

But apart from them, it had only been Mika back in those early days who had had complete faith in him, even goading him at times to do better. Even he needed to have someone give him a kick in the pants to keep going sometimes – though not so much now days. Now he more often than not needed her steadying hand to hold him back from his head long rush towards a looming cliff as his ruthless streak took over. And through it all, Mika had stuck by him. It had been no less difficult for her.

They had first met at college; he had almost finished his degree, she just starting in her first year of arts and business. Their meeting had been purely by accident, bumping literally into each other in the cafeteria and, due to the crowd, sharing a table. From those innocuous beginnings things grew slowly. There was no blinding flash of revelations of love. It was gradual, born from a comfortableness of finding someone to talk to openly and freely without fear of ridicule. Firstly a friendship grew between them, before anything more.

During that time he met her family; her father and two younger brothers. Her mother had already been sick and Mika was aware that her position was becoming difficult but she wasn't ready to abandon her dreams just yet. The family had been welcoming enough and he remembered his feeling of surprise when first meeting the brothers – one golden haired and fair, the other dark as sin. You could tell they were brothers from the similar features. In fact, Tohma had felt a shudder of superstition as it seemed that they could have been twins, or should have been. Two halves of the same whole; dark and light, good and bad. Even then it was Eiri with the sunny disposition and kindness, whilst Tatsuha had a knack for getting into trouble and usually embroiling others in his escapades also.

He had found himself growing fonder of Mika over this time, looking forward to the moments he could spend with her, the joy of just hearing her voice. She actually also got along with Noriko and even Ryuichi surprisingly, which was more than most people. This was probably because she put up with none of Ryuichi's nonsense. Yet the best part was that Ryuichi accepted her just as easily. That was a great relief to him.

He had been nervous when he had asked her to marry him, which was so very unlike him. Silence had met his question as she had looked at him with those penetrating grey eyes that always seemed to be able to strip away all his façade to see the real him beneath. Her initial silence had made him believe her rejection was coming next and his heart had plummeted, then she had smiled fondly at him, reaching out to tug gently on the lock of hair that fell over one of his eyes, saying, "Of course I will, you twit,.".

And that was that – or so it should have been he had hoped. There was one stumbling block that he hadn't counted on – her father. Mika's mother had passed away a year after they had met, causing her to finally have to abandoned her studies to help raise her brothers. Now, her father was loathe to lose the ready made housekeeper/nanny that she had become.

Tohma personally felt it was extremely selfish of him. Hadn't Mika given up her studies and her dreams to do 'the right thing'? Still he did understand how traditional her family was and where this attitude was coming from. Still, he found it highly irritating.

The worst was that Mika's father used the excuse that Tohma was nothing more than a struggling musician and there was no way he could support his favoured daughter adequately. They both knew it was nothing more than an excuse, but Tohma automatically kicked into negotiation mode and eventually elicited the promise that if he could make something of himself, then he and Mika could marry with no further obstacles. He even managed to have the man swear to it on his honour in front of Mika and a neighbour who had been visiting at that time. That was as much of a concession he was able to drag out of the old man at that time – but it was enough.

Mika gladly accepted the betrothal; that at least was recognized even if her father never believed anything would come of it.

However, this only spurred him forward in a way that probably nothing else could and he had dragged Ryuichi and Noriko obligingly along in wake. He pushed 'Nittle Grasper' to its limits; firstly in Japan where they were able to send themselves on a meteoric rise to the top, and then, in a burst of inspiration, he took the ultimate plunge and headed for New York.

He had been surprised and pleased when on his last night before leaving Mika had presented him with a ring, perfectly fitting his finger as she had slid it on for him, not that he would have expected anything less of her. Anything she did, she did well – no matter whether she detested doing it or not, it was always perfection.

"There," she had said, looking down at his hand that she still held, admiring her handiwork. "This way you can't forget me."

He smiled at her warmly, "How could I ever forget you?" he responded.

She waggled a finger under his nose with a mock frown. "You had better not – and this is just to make certain!" Then her expression changed, softening, and her eyes warmed with her love for him. She reached out and touched his cheek gently. "This is so a part of me can always be with you. Wherever you are."

He reached out and enfolded her into his embrace. He could feel her arms tighten about him. "I'll miss you," he whispered into her thick hair, drinking in the scent.

"Me too," she whispered back.

It had been a difficult parting for them both, even though both of them knew the real reason he was going was for their ultimate happiness which they both so desperately wanted. So with Ryuichi and Noriko's heartfelt support 'Nittle Grasper" headed for America.

They continued to do well even there and their fame increased, as did their corresponding wealth. But the money wasn't enough for him. Mika's father still held out over the fact he was nothing more than a musician and fame was fleeting. How would he provide for his lovely girl once the fame was gone? How could he provide for his grandchildren? Tohma thought he was getting a little ahead of himself there – he and Mika couldn't even get married yet, let alone have children!

Many a night he listened to Mika ranting over the stubbornness and injustice of her father's demands, then weeping quietly as she wished they could finally be together. He hated it when Mika cried. It happened so very rarely that when it did occur, it broke his heart. As the years had stretched on and he seemed no nearer to his goal, he had tried to break off the betrothal, to free her from the promise. The blistering burst of anger that had met that attempt convinced him to not raise the subject again. It made him love her all the more for her steadfast loyalty. He also never pointed out that she matched her father for stubbornness.

After one such long 'Nittle Grasper' tour, Ryuichi and Noriko had returned to Japan, heading for a much needed rest. Tohma would have liked to as well, he really wanted to see Mika. Her father refused to let her come and see him in the USA even if he did offer to pay for her fare, so the only way was for him to return to Japan to visit.

However, this time he wasn't, no matter how much he wished he could. He had the next stage of his plan to implement with the hope of finally thwarting her father. He took further studies in business management, taking on the role of a 'special consultant' at a large recording studio in New York to be closer to the every day workings of such corporations and to be able to fully understand the ins and outs of this side of the business. As much as he already knew, there was still far more for him to learn and he was determined to do so.

Mika encouraged him in this, urging him to continue and not be worried that he was coming back to Japan just yet. She was prepared to wait until he could, so with her support he earnestly implemented his plans. It was during this time that she asked a favour of him, which was unusual in itself.

She was concerned about Eiri. He had reached that critical age of thirteen, not a child any longer, but a teenager with all the changes and worries that came with those years. But it was more than just the natural progression of growing up. Mika explained that he had been having a hard time at his new school due to his looks. Tohma had been aware from the start how Eiri's unusual colouring could cause him to be the butt of jokes and snide comments. It would appear that this had now become worse.

On top of that, Mika felt that Eiri was finding it difficult to accept the loss of their mother, probably because of the difficult time he was going through and now having a mother's support and comfort to see him through it. Tohma could hear the hidden pain in Mika's voice over this last. It was understandable. She had tried to be a mother to both her brothers as best she could, but she knew that she could never replace that missing person completely. Still, the fact that she couldn't provide that to Eiri still hurt her. She continued to explain that she thought that it might be good for Eiri to get away for a while, somewhere completely different where it would help keep his mind of things and where his looks wouldn't be considered so strange. Somewhere like New York.

Tohma had been surprised. She wanted Eiri to come and stay with him? He didn't have any particular problem with that but their father…. Mika assured him that she had convinced her father that this was the best for Eiri. Tohma was almost stunned by that admission, but promptly agreed to the arrangements which were met with Mika's heartfelt thanks. Soon thereafter, thirteen year old Eiri joined him in New York.

With the addition of another person in his life, Tohma now took stock of his situation. After picking Eiri up from the airport and returning home he had looked around and wondered if this was really suitable living arrangements for his guest.

His apartment was small and serviceable, with only one bedroom. He could have afforded larger but he hadn't seen any point in wasting money for no reason. It was conveniently located close to work and the recording studio for when 'Nittle Grasper' returned to begin another album. He wondered now how a teenager would feel about living here.

Thankfully Eiri seemed more than happy to sleep on the sofa bed, saying it was far nicer than having to share a room with Tatsuha, and seemed excited about everything just the way it was. When Tohma tentatively broached the issue about maybe looking for a bigger apartment, Eiri was adamant in his refusal to allow Tohma to do any such thing.

"I know you are trying to save as much money as you can so you can marry Mika," he had said seriously, looking Tohma directly in the eye, "I'm not going to let you spend that money on me and be responsible for holding you back from her.". And that had been the end of that discussion.

From then on things had looked like they would go well for them both. It hadn't taken long for them to fall into a comfortable routine together, despite the close quarters they lived in. Eiri was polite and considerate and mature enough to look after himself to a fair degree, which was a good thing considering some of the hours that Tohma had to work.

One thing that Tohma did ensure happened was that Eiri continued with his schooling, despite now living in a foreign country. The boy was too shy to attend a regular school and his spoken English was poor, although the written wasn't too bad. So to assist, Tohma sought out a private tutor for Eiri. There were always college students seeking such job opportunities to supplement their time studying so he scoured the noticeboards and made a number of calls. He interviewed quite a number of people before the final selection.

His choice was a young man, he hadn't wanted Eiri to be stuck with some stodgy professor type person. He wanted someone who was young enough to still enjoy life and be able to remember what it was like to be a teenager and could relate to that age, yet old enough and steady enough to provide some stability. Of course, one of the main prerequisites had to be that they were fluent in both English and Japanese.

Yuki Kitazawa had seemed to fit all the criteria. His marks had been quite good; not outstanding but good enough. His Japanese was spot on, having come from a Japanese speaking home; he had an interest in writing, although he admitted that that dream may never eventuate due to his parents disapproval. Still Tohma admired that he still had such a dream. It reminded him of his own situation a little. But the point that sold him was that young Eiri warmed to him immediately. Yuki had a quiet demeanor and a warm smile, and he appeared to have no problem in relating to Eiri's enthusiastic rendition so far of his life up to now in New York as the three of them sat relaxing in the lounge of his comfortable apartment.

This arrangement was originally only going to be for a year or so, just until Eiri's grasp of English had improved enough for him to attend regular school, but seeing the strong bond between Yuki and Eiri and the rapport that was there, Tohma decided that it did no harm to leave things as it were. Eiri's impassioned negative pleas when he had broached the subject of attending school had also swayed him in his thinking. As long as Eiri was happy and still learning that was the main thing. He was sometimes very busy so knowing Eiri was comfortable with someone else in New York and had that support reassured him.

Watching Eiri blossom over the next three years from shy and awkward thirteen year old to a more open and ambitious sixteen year old was a pleasure to behold. He took many photos, sending them to Mika via email to keep up with her constant demands of how her younger brother was going in this foreign land. It was a good thing that money wasn't really an issue for him as the conversation on the phone between Eiri and his big sister went for hours and cost a fortune. Even Eiri's father had grudgingly acknowledged that the boy's grades had improved and so continued to allow the absence of his first born son from the fold.

Things had been good then, and he had thought that nothing could disrupt the seeming idyllic life they had live, but little things soon began to surface to muddy the peaceful waters. The first ripple had been when he began to notice the strong attraction Eiri had for his tutor. Not surprising in a way, but still Tohma felt a tendril of concern. He watched carefully and saw no sign of Yuki encouraging the association and so put it down simply to a young boy's crush on his teacher, who had also become his best friend.

Then, the next chink in the armour of bliss was finding out that there was more to Yuki Kitazawa than he had known; a secret world that he didn't want Eiri to have anything to do with. He had mused on what he should do, how he should tackle this issue. If it had only concerned him he knew immediately how he would respond, but it didn't – it also affected Eiri and in a very direct and person way. He was loathe to take Eiri's only real friend away from him if he didn't have to. He knew he feared that in doing so he would make Eiri despise him, maybe even hate him, for he couldn't bring himself to tell the boy of the sad true facts of his idolised teacher.

Tohma spent many days wondering about this dilemma. Finally he decided to confront Yuki directly about the issue, which he did. The young man seemed to take it well; neither denying it or getting angry. He gave his ultimatum; get help, get his act together and he could continue to retain his job and stay Eiri's friend. Refuse, and suffer the consequences. He wanted Yuki to realize in no uncertain terms that he would not see any harm come to his young charge. Yuki had quietly left and Tohma had hoped that would the bend of it. And perhaps a new beginning for them all. How could he have known what was going to take place next? How could he have guessed? He didn't know - yet he still felt that somehow he should have. Somehow it was his fault.

He shivered a little where he stood him the room in the present day. It wasn't that the air was any cooler but that cold was the ghosts of the past wrapping around his soul.

He remembered that day like yesterday. It was etched into his very heart and soul, unable to be erased or purged. It had begun just like so many other days; bright, sunny, Eiri was excited and happy to be going to his lessons. He remembered smiling indulgingly as Eiri had gulped down his orange juice so quickly it had made him start hiccupping.

He had gone off to the studio to meet Ryuichi and Noriko after seeing Eiri on his way. They had just finished the last of the new album, now there was nothing more to do except one final check and leave it in the hands of the public to judge the quality. He would be glad when it was finished with. Acting as band member and producer/ manger was exhausting, but it had enabled him to put into practice all that he had learnt over the past few years and he was beginning to build a name for himself in the industry as more than just a musician. That was what he had been aiming for, and he felt it was almost within his reach.

It was getting late when he had returned to the apartment, calling out his usual greeting and expecting to hear the response in the childlike voice that was cracking a little now with puberty, only to be met by silence.

He frowned as he entered the darkening apartment as the sun dipped lower in the sky. There was no sign of Eiri in the bathroom and it was then he saw the scribbled note left stuck to the fridge. He pulled it off and read it. It was simple and seemingly nothing to be alarmed about but a wash of cold fear swept over him as he held that scrap of paper.

In a heart beat he had turned, leaving coat behind as he raced down the stairs to the street, whilst back in the once again silent apartment a small scrap of white paper floated softly to the floor.

All the while he was running, dodging around other pedestrians, ignoring the rude comments and shouts of anger from those he didn't manage to avoid, the fear grew, gripping him so hard it was an effort to make himself continue on his way as it was almost enough to freeze him immobile.

He knew where he was going. Eiri only had one other place that he would go to here in New York. He reached the address, running up the stairs, taking them two at a time and not halting in his pace. He felt that he was running for his life – or someone elses.

What he came upon that evening was the scene straight from a nightmare. The door had been unlocked and swung open immediately when he turned the handle, swinging wide like a curtain drawing back on a macabre stage. He had stood a moment in the doorway, the light from the hall behind him, making his shadow stretch into the darkened room before him like a spectre creeping towards the shadows.

It was the sight of one huddled form that his shadow finally touched that released him from his frozen state and run into the room. One small body curled up on itself, sobbing, half clothed and in complete disarray. Tohma had clasped his arms around that weeping body, drawing it close as it shook violently.

He could see the aftermath of what ever had occurred here, too late to stop it. There were three bodies. There was no point calling them anything else. They weren't victims, or patients; they were dead and nothing more than bodies now. The blood was dark, almost black as it pooled around the still forms. Looking down he saw the weapon still in Eiri's hands, the weapon that had caused such destruction. He knew it wasn't Eiri's, the boy had had no need for such a thing. This had obviously come from one of these people.

He looked over the corpses again, taking note of the faces. Two he didn't know, the other pair of vacant eyes, yes, that face he did know. Yuki Kitazawa wouldn't be tutoring Eiri any longer it would seem.

He had to get Eiri out of there. It wouldn't take long for police to arrive on the scene. There may not have been any signs that anyone else had heard what had occurred and the hall had been silent when he had arrived yet he was certain the call would have gone through to alert the authorities of the gunshots. He wasn't about to take any chances either way.

He pried the gun away from Eiri's grip, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping it thoroughly before dropping it to the floor. He wasn't going to try and make some elaborate scene of supposedly murder/suicide. The authorities weren't as stupid as many people seemed to think and this scenario when they came upon it would cancel that theory out in a heartbeat. All he was going to do was to try and ensure that there was as little as possible to link Eiri to this scene as possible. He reached over and snagged Eiri's pants from where they lay crumpled nearby. Thankfully they had not been stained by any of the carnage that currently surrounded them. With soft words he managed to coax the almost catatonic boy into dressing again and then dragged him to his feet, slipping an arm around his waist and forcing him to walk. He wasn't going to try and erase all signs of Eiri having ever been here – the police would find out soon enough at Kitazawa was tutoring him and so it would be expected that some sign of the boy's presence would be in the room. Upon reaching the door, Tohma carefully checked the hall but still it remained empty. He saw the fire escape close to this end apartment and decided to use that. It would be better if there were less opportunities for someone to see them leaving. He used his handkerchief to pull the door shut behind them, wiping it clean and dragging Eiri towards escape.

It had been difficult to get Eiri down the fire escape. With every step the boy seemed to withdraw further into his mind. Tohma's heart hurt – and raged, but his first concern was Eiri's well-being. He waved a taxi down and managed to get them back to the apartment, hoping the driver would think the teenager was just drunk. As soon as he laid Eiri down on the sofa and bundled a blanket around him, he picked up the phone and made some calls.

The first was to the airlines and booking a flight to Japan. The second was to Mika. In a frantic rush he explained succinctly what had occurred. She didn't waste time with wails of despair or recriminations, just accepted what he said and promised to be waiting at the airport at the other end.

He dragged Eiri to his feet, glancing at his watch briefly. They would just have enough time, he thought, as he half carried the boy to the bathroom. He quickly stripped Eiri down, pulling him under the warm water, ignoring his own wet clothes. He washed the young body down thoroughly, seeing the bruises beginning to show on the fair skin, bruises from fingers that had held him down. His rage continued to simmer.

Once clean he dressed Eiri in fresh clothes, bundling the old into a plastic bag to discard later. He tossed a few other things into a bag, found Eiri's passport, called a taxi and helped the boy downstairs. They reached the airport just in time and Tohma gave very specific instructions to the stewardess including Mika's number to call if anything happened during the flight. His stomach was in knots as they wheeled Eiri away in a chair. He desperately wanted to go with him but knew that this was the only way. He had to stay here.

He returned promptly to his apartment, now silent and empty. He discarded the bag of Eiri's old clothes in the building incinerator and had only just returned to the apartment when there had been a knock on the door. He checked through the peep hole to view two unknown men. That certainly didn't take them long, he thought as he took a deep calming breath, and putting on his public mask, opened the door to greet them.

It was a gruelling few weeks after that event, of question and answer and query. They had learnt quickly that Kitazawa had been employed as a tutor by Tohma and had been in that position for some years. Tohma knew that they would find that out without any problem. There were a number of questions about how this had come about and in that Tohma could be completely honest. There had been nothing underhanded about any of that. They seemed to finally accept that there had been nothing strange in the arrangement and had confirmed that Eiri had indeed kept up with the schooling.

Next they had wanted to know if Tohma had known of Kitazawa's drug problem, and here he knew he was treading on dangerous ground. He denied any knowledge of this, especially as they began to try and indicate that he was the one supplying the young man with his habit, simply because Tohma was a well-known musician and, of course, all musicians were drug addicts as well!

That accusation he was also able to evade easily enough. He submitted to a blood test which came up clean and a search of his apartment and various discussions with work colleagues finally made the authorities give up on that line of questioning.

They did have some questions about Eiri's absence. Tohma kept a serene expression on at all times as he answered all their various questions, especially whenever they brought up the topic of Eiri. He explained that the boy hadn't been home for some time and was missing his family so he had decided that it was time he went home. When asked why it had seemed so sudden, especially as it had been on that night, Tohma had lied and said that Eiri had suffered a set back in his welfare, due to the loss of his mother some years before, and he had felt it was best if he returned to his immediate family before any further harm arose. They seemed unconvinced.

He knew they would verify this with Mika and had sat waiting whilst they did so, refusing to let any of his nervousness and fear show on his face. When they finally returned he could see from the looks on their faces that Mika had supported what he had said. Thank gods for Mika and her quick thinking. He breathed a sigh of relief and thanks to his fiancée. She was so well attuned to his way of thinking and was one of the few people to be able to anticipate exactly what he would say and do. Without her, he probably would have been lost.

Eventually they seemed to run out of questions to ask and other avenues to pursue. They seemed happy enough to now settle for it being nothing more than a murder over drugs, most likely the three in the apartment had been interrupted by another rival drug dealer and the ensuing conflict resulted in the three deaths.

Case closed. End of story.

Only it wasn't the end – at least not for he, and certainly not for Eiri. The changes that the teenager went through after altered his personality completely and the Eiri that Tohma had once known was no more. He mourned that loss.

He remained in the USA for only a short while longer until he decided it was time for him to return home. 'Nittle Grasper' disbanded, the three of them going their own ways although they were never really far from each other's thoughts. Upon his return to Japan he immediately set up NG Productions and it took very little time to build it up to be one of the most influential companies in that industry in the country. All his hard work and effort was now paying off handsomely.

The next step was to travel to Kyoto to see Mika. Their reunion had been heartfelt, for all that it was restrained. Just being able to stand there with her in his arms once more was heaven to him. This was the only home he wanted. He presented himself to her father, stating clearly what his qualifications and credentials were, including all but reciting his current bank balance and assets. It was an impressive list, but still Mika's father tried to vacillate.

That was when Mika stepped in, fixing her father with a steely glare, hands on hips, staring down at him.

"That is enough," she snapped. Her father looked at her in surprise. She continued without pause, "You have put conditions and provisos on Tohma from day one, without a single thought for anyone else involved in this, either he or me. This has all been about only you. Well, Tohma accepted your conditions and has fulfilled every single one of those as you required. You gave your word of honour that if he did you would not stand in our way any longer."

"But…" her father began, but she cut him off sharply, "No!"

She turned and walked over to stand beside where Tohma now stood, reaching out and taking his hand. She looked back at her father angrily. "I have done everything that was expected of me, lived up to everything you wanted me to be for, but not any longer. This is what I want, and if you aren't going to give your blessing, and keep your word then I'm leaving anyway."

Tohma's heart swelled with pride at his wife-to-be as she defied her father and his wishes. She had so much strength and he was so honoured to know that she had chosen to be with him.

Mika's father looked dumbstruck at this sudden defiance and simply stared at them both for a moment, before his shoulders slumped in final defeat. "Very well," he said in a low voice, "you have my permission to marry." It was grudgingly said, with little actual heartfelt blessing in it but Tohma didn't care.

He bowed deeply, not releasing Mika's hand and said, "Thank you, sir. I promise I will always look after your daughter."

"Like you did my son?" the snide comment was thrown out at him unexpectedly.

Tohma felt like he had been doused with a bucket of ice water.

"How dare you!" Mika shouted, glaring at her father and taking a step closer to her father, hands clenched in fists. "Don't you dare blame Tohma for any of that! He looked after Eiri for three years and got him back home as well! What ever happened was not his fault! If you want to blame someone, blame me! I was the one who said to send Eiri over there in the first place!"

Her father seemed to shrink back in on himself at her anger, turning his head away in shame. "I….I'm sorry," he murmured, "That…was unforgivable." He stood and inclined his head towards them both. "If you will excuse me?" and he turned and left the room.

"Why that…." Tohma's hand on her arm stopped Mika's tirade. She turned and looked at him and he just shook his head with a small smile.

"Leave it, love," he said softly. "In a way he's right, you know."

"No, he's not!" she said, turning to face him fully. She reached out and framed his face with her hands, looking deeply into his eyes. "He's not right. It is not your fault, Tohma. Stop blaming yourself. You did all you could."

"Did I? I wonder,"

She dropped her hands to her side, "Will you always blame yourself for this?"

He looked at her with a small smile, "Can you still love me if I do?"

"Always," she said adamantly, stepping towards him.

He reached out to embrace her, "Then that is all that matters," he whispered into her hair.

That had been so many years ago now, he thought, finishing the last of his drink in the silent room. So much had happened since then. He was still an influential business man, Mika now managed her own chain of beauty stores. She didn't have to do so. He had more than enough money to support her but she had refused to be a 'kept' woman as she had put it. She still had her pride. And she was good at what she did.

He gazed down again at the sleeping form before him. Such perfection. A soft sound behind him made him turn his head to see a shadowy figure drawing closer. The warmth of Mika's body next to his was welcome as she slipped her arms around his waist, nestling against his back.

"You're home late," she said softly.

"Sorry," he said raising a hand to touch her hands. "Did I wake you?"

"No, I just wondered where you were. I should have guessed you would be here."

She moved away from him and leant over the toddler herself, reaching out a gentle hand to smooth the fair hair back with a mother's soft touch.

"He looks just like you," Tohma said, smiling fondly at them both.

She looked up at him, a smile of her own, "He has your eyes," she said, "Eyes that see everything."

"I worry," he confessed suddenly. Perhaps it was the darkness that enabled him to admit to such a weakness.

"About what?" Mika asked quietly, returning to his side and taking one of his hands in hers. She rubbed it, warming his chilled flesh.

"That I won't be able to protect him. Just like I couldn't protect Eiri. That I'll fail him"

"You won't," she assured him.

"How can you be so certain?" he questioned her, "I have before, you know that."

"You're not perfect, Tohma, you never will be. I hate to break this to you but you are only human just like everyone else, and you have to learn to accept that. There will always be things that you can't have any control over, no matter how much you wish you did. Things will happen; horrible things, hurtful things, but that doesn't make it your fault. You have to learn to forgive yourself."

She reached up and touched his face gently, "Yes, you will make mistakes, but you need to learn from them, move on, and try not to make the same ones over. And always strive to make a better life for yourself and those you love."

He reached up and captured her hand in his, holding it tightly. His heart filled with love for this woman before him, for all her strength, her loyalty, her steadfastness. He looked down at his sleeping son. She was right, as always. He had people he wanted to protect, and to do that he had to keep trying to make this life the best possible one for them to live in.

He drew her into a tight embrace, "I promise I'll do my best." he vowed.

Her arms tightened around him as she placed a soft kiss on his cheek, "I know you will. You always do."


End file.
